If asked to describe Stephanie, I’m sure that most people would reply with terms that include outgoing and people person, but I’ve found myself suddenly an introvert when it comes to Sarah’s recent condition, and haven’t really wanted to reach out to people about it yet. I think it’s mostly because I’m still processing it all.
I’m so thankful that she’s okay. She’s a new girl, and I can’t describe the joy I feel for that. I also feel a bit empty too. The past two weeks were extremely difficult, and at this point, I think I’m just out of feelings and conversation. I don’t mind giving the details – Sarah was admitted for failure to thrive; they heard a heart murmer; we’re flown to Seattle for heart surgery; etc. But how I felt throughout it all is still hard to verbalize.
It’s hard to say to anyone that I told God it was okay if he needed to take her. I had to do that. I love her so much, but I had to say okay to God before it happened so that I could be okay if it did. It gave me comfort to know that whichever way it went, I was trusting in God and receiving peace from him. But, I also feel bad about that because I wonder if it makes me a lesser parent for saying it was okay to take my child. This is the kind of thing I’m still processing. I’m not ready to talk about it yet, but I hope to soon.
